The Lord of the Rings
by don't eat no biscuit
Summary: In which Genma's digestive tract is the topic of heated discussion. Kakashi can plan circles around an opponent in battle, but plans that don't involve violent death seem to come up short. Oneshot, humor, slight fluff, KakaSaku


Sakura could hear the laughter and chatter already as they approached the bar. It was a busy Friday night, and the festivities—that is to say, copious amounts of drinking—were already underway. Kakashi held the door and followed Sakura inside.

"Ahaaaay, Kakashi," bleared Genma, tottering towards them as they entered. "You ready to party?" He eyed Sakura speculatively as though sizing her up. "Baby sis's gonna drink with the big kids, the big people?"

"Of course I am," Sakura furrowed her brow in a vague pout. "Hello, Genma-san." She had been drunk before, but it was generally restricted to the odd post-work drink with Naruto or Ino. Rarely did she accompany Kakashi on any escapades involving Genma—needless to say, she found herself unprepared for such levels of still-coherent ninja drunkenness.

The bartender set down two glasses of some ambiguous murky liquid in front of Kakashi and Sakura, who by then were seated at the bar. "Of course she is," he echoed lightly.

No one but Yamato seemed to notice that neither Kakashi nor Sakura had made any move to order such beverages. He blinked for a moment at the drinks, but upon making eye contact with Sakura he quickly looked away. Kakashi tossed the shot back as though without a thought, and Yamato relaxed.

Sakura refrained from drinking for much of the night, most likely because she was uncomfortable drinking among raucous thirty-year-old ANBU members (that is to say, Genma), and preferred instead to monitor the evening in sobriety. Kakashi, on the other hand, seemed to be imbibing with a fervor that Yamato had not previously witnessed in his former teacher. As the night wore on, Kakashi seemed to grow more and more tense, even erratic—though this was tempered by the mellowing effect of the night's alcohol.

"Kakashi," Sakura whispered into his ear, "are you alright?"

Kakashi murmured something unintelligible, even to Yamato's trained ears. A fine mist of sweat glistened on Kakashi's cheekbone.

Something was definitely wrong.

Suddenly, Genma swooped down upon Kakashi and Sakura, who were previously enjoying a private conversation.

"Kakashi, I TOLD you, I TELL you she's not—let me help you there, baby sis," Genma drawled. He retrieved Sakura's untouched mystery shot from one of her clenched fists, drained it, then coughed. "Shit will rip your esophagus apart, but me—I speak, I speak White Russian." he advised Sakura, as he wheeled away from them with a flourish, cackling like a hyena. Looking startled, Sakura blinked at Genma's back, then at Kakashi.

No one but Yamato noticed Kakashi's briefly horrified expression as Genma downed the shot without swallowing.

Something was definitely wrong, Yamato thought, worried. If it had been poisoned, that would explain Kakashi's sweatiness and erratic movements. But why not leave then and seek medical treatment? Why leave the drink out, in plain view of someone as impetuous as Genma? He was keeping quiet; surely to avoid causing a panic—but now that it was endangering a comrade, Yamato was sure that Kakashi would be making some movement any time now—

"We'll be right back," Kakashi said aloud, giving Sakura a relaxed eye crease.

"Alright," she smiled.

Kakashi was halfway across the bar, Genma in tow. They were headed towards the door. Kakashi was gripping Genma's shoulder, apparently with strength enough to make him squirm.

Yamato darted a glance at Gai, who was previously participating in some kind of squatting-frog dance—hopscotch—something, Yamato couldn't quite make it out. He motioned for Gai to follow him out into the night, after Kakashi and Genma. Gai followed happily, clearly quite taken with the frog-dancing.

Yamato and Gai approached Kakashi and Genma, who were standing at the edge of the forest as Kakashi leaned into the brush, composing himself.

"You swallowed it," Kakashi stated as a preamble.

"What?"

"You swallowed my goddamn—the goddamn ring." Kakashi intoned harshly, albeit drunkenly.

"I swallowed what?" Genma blinked, removing the ever-present senbon from his mouth. A twinge of confusion and even panic flickered across his brow—

"I buy a ring. I put the ring in the drink. I give the drink to her. YOU SWALLOW THE RING." Kakashi barked, as though explaining to a slow child. "My ring is going to be trapped in your colon until the end of time."

Comprehension dawned on Yamato. Kakashi had engineered this—arranged for the bartender to give them the drinks and the ring, even making the drink murky enough to avoid detection until it touched her lips. When she didn't immediately drink it, Kakashi began to panic—the tension, the sweat, even the increase in drinking—it was nerves. The Great Copy Ninja, son of the White Fang—Yamato began to snigger.

"MY ETERNAL RIVAL!" Gai screamed, tears already streaming. "TRUE LOVE HAS BEFALLEN YOU. I can only hope to match your—"

"We should probably go get your stomach pumped at the hospital," Yamato offered. "It'll get lodged somewhere and rip up your insides."

"No goddamn way. I'll take my god—my goddamn chances. Besides, wouldn't your lady-friend find out?" Genma emphasized "lady-friend" as though describing a medieval method of torture.

It was probably true, Yamato thought. Even if they left now, there was no avoiding the explanation of what had happened, and there was always a chance she'd find out through the grapevine.

Gai pushed his way past Yamato, squinting at the tiny bottle he held as though it confused him. He handed it to Kakashi and continued his effusive rant on the youthful powers of eternal love, still squat-dancing.

"Ipecac," Yamato realized aloud. "Gai, where did you get ipecac?"

"I think he keeps it on him," Kakashi shrugged. "You never know what the hell trouble that little—Rackly or Brockly—that Brockly's gonna get into."

"No way," Genma protested.

"What would you have us DO? Wait for it to—I'm not giving her a ring that's seen the insides of your intestines!" Kakashi exhaled.

"Genma. You're a grown man." Yamato remarked. "Not to mention a ninja, you couldn't feel the damn thing sliding down your throat? Take it," he said, gesturing at the tiny vial.

"Who the hell—the hell puts a ring in a shot? You throw it back, you—you're gonna choke, you don't sip it, she would probably sip it- Drinking with your old ANBU pals-" Genma bellowed. "Real romantic, Hatake, 'sthat what those goddamn books would suggest-" Resigned, he took the bottle and unscrewed it— then raised one finger. "Wait."

Palms on his knees, he leaned into the woods and emptied his stomach of a night of binge-drinking.

"Projectile vomit on demand," he snorted, handing the bottle to Yamato.

They returned to the bar soon thereafter. Despite searching a patch of vomit-covered brush to the best of their ninja abilities, no ring had been found. A sober Yamato had concluded that either Kakashi would have to wait for things to, er, "sort themselves out", or that the ring would, indeed, be caught in Genma's colon until the end of time. Either way, Kakashi assured them, he would not be willingly taking that ring back. He had worked a good number of A-missions for that ring, he groaned drunkenly, having forgiven Genma (at least for tonight).

Sensing Kakashi's distinct decline in both spirits and coherence, Sakura suggested that they head home for the night. Kakashi sleepily consented, and they trudged home with his arm draped over her shoulders, talking languidly about nothing in particular.

Kakashi stopped. "I'm sorry," he told her balefully, regarding her with a steady eye.

'Sorry for what?" she asked, stretching to press her lips to the hem of his mask.

"That," he said, gesturing vaguely at the bar behind them. "I should know better than to... I could bring you places other than out with drunk Genma and Gai dancing like a weirdo all night—you deserve—" Kakashi stopped again.

"Don't be silly," Sakura smiled, biting the corner of her lip. He was so cute when he was drunk— like a child. She leaned into his shoulder. "I like seeing your friends, too."

Evidently, Kakashi wasn't convinced with this answer, sighing as they approached her apartment. He kissed her forehead.

Once inside, he collapsed onto the bed without another thought. Sakura joined him as soon as she was ready for bed, then removed his shoes for him, as he was apparently too tired, or too drunk, to remove them himself. Surely there was some shinobi code of conduct regarding this level of drunkenness, she thought.

She snickered, fishing the ring from her pocket.

It had been pretty easy to detect, she thought. When Yamato started staring at the drinks like they were on fire, she wondered if something was wrong, but it didn't seem to be harmful, so she left it alone. But when she noticed a distinct 'clunk' after shifting the glass, she began to wonder.

To avoid having Genma consume whatever solid had made its way into the glass, she retrieved it at the last second— but once she discerned what this object was, she was at a loss as to how to continue. It seemed awkward no matter how she brought this to Kakashi's attention, so she kept it in her hand, waiting for some brief moment alone—but none came. So she wrote him a note and placed the ring on the dresser.

She turned off the lamp on the nightstand and laid her head on the pillow beside him. She felt Kakashi wrap his arm around her side and shift himself closer to her. Sakura smiled as she fell asleep.

Kakashi woke up alone the next morning with a pounding headache—whether it resulted more from his incredible drinking binge or nightmares of the engagement ring travelling through his old partner's digestive tract, he wasn't sure. He groaned as he went to close the curtains from the sunrise. Sakura had evidently already left for a shift at the hospital, as the bed was empty. He was about to go back to sleep to alleviate this headache, at least temporarily, when a tiny glitter on Sakura's dresser caught his eye.

It was the ring, and by its side was a handwritten note. Kakashi eyed it, furious that Genma had left it in plain sight and wondering what sanitary precautions his brazen friend had taken with it—probably minimal if at all, he thought, exasperated. Besides, he had made it perfectly clear that a ring ingested was a ring bought—Genma could pawn it off, he didn't mind, but he would be responsible for the financial damage wrought by this incident.

He picked up the note and was surprised to see that it was written in Sakura's delicate print, not Genma's scrawling one.

"Kakashi Hatake. I can't believe you would try to pull this while out drinking with your friends. Try again, next time with a scenario that doesn't require my intervention to prevent the ring from being eaten," the note read. "I love you. –S"

Kakashi laughed out loud, relieved, sleepy, and vaguely embarassed. She always was so clever, he thought. Too clever. He crumpled the note in his hand and fell asleep laughing.


End file.
